American Dad Porn Story: Terror at Home Chapter 1
intro
int
CIA office – Daytime
Stan
is at work and we find him and his friends looking at a magazine.
STAN
There
she is fellas, the hottest thing you’ve ever laid eyes on.
We
see a photo of a weapon in the magazine
STAN
The
nerdinator 5000. It can destroy a magnetic pulsory system in less
that 12 parsecs. And it will help you understand what that even
means!
Stan’s
friends are impressed by the weapon.
Their
boss arrives and they quickly try to hide the magazine.
Mr
Bullock
Good
morning gentleman. What’s that you’ve got there. Why, is that the new
issue of Shock and Awe-some? Let me see that!
Stan
and Friends
Awwwwwww!
MR
BULLOCK
Now,
now, you know this magazine is for grown ups only.
STAN
But
we were reading it for the articles!
MR
BULLOCK
Sure
you were. Um, Stan, can I see you in my office real quick?
co-worker
Oooooh,
Stan’s in trouble!
The
guys all laugh at Stan.
STAN
I
am not!
MR
BULLOCK
C’mon,
now!
Stan
sticks his tongue out at his friends as he walks away. He and Mr.
Bullock enter an office.
int
office – moments later
Mr.
Bullock sits at his desk.
MR
BULLOCK
Take
a seat, Stan.
STAN
Sir
if this is about the burning Mexican flag in Pablo’s cubicle the
other day, I’m sorry!
MR
BULLOCK
The
what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
STAN
Oh!
(beat) In that case, did you see what I did to Pablo’s cubicle the
other day? Man, what a prank! You know, I wasn’t gonna do it at
first, but the guys convinced me. But anyway…
MR
BULLOCK
Stan,
I have something to tell you that may come as a shock.
STAN
Don’t
worry, sir. Nothing can shock me as badly as Pablo was shocked when
he came back to his desk after that one.
MR
BULLOCK
What?
No! This has nothing to do with Pablo. I was looking at the updated
terror watch list this morning and came across this.
Mr.
Bullock slides a file to Stan. He opens it and is shocked at what he
sees. It is a file on Francine!
STAN
Francine!
But, but how can this be?
MR
BULLOCK
That’s
the problem. She’s living with a CIA agent and has been hiding so
well for so long, she is probably far more dangerous that the average
terrorist.
STAN
I
can’t believe it. Although that does explain her uncanny ability to
create a turban out of a towel after she gets out of the shower.
MR
BULLOCK
Now
that we know she is a terrorist, we need to act immediately. I can
understand if you don’t want to take on the case personally.
Stan
is still in shock and thinks about the whole situation for a moment.
He realizes what he must do.
STAN
No!
She may be my wife, but she’s a terrorist first! I’ll deal with this!
MR
BULLOCK
Very
well, then. I suggest going home and searching high and low for
terrorist activity.
ext
school – daytime
Steve
arrives at school and finds his friends at their lockers. Steve is
carrying 2 beakers from home for their science project.
Steve
Hey
guys! I got the anthrax and koolaid for our chemistry project.
Snot
Awesome!
We’re sure to get an A now!
BARRY
It’ll
prolly taste great, too!
STEVE
Heh,
yea. I can’t wait to mix this stuff together. A few drops of each and
we’ll have the biggest flame this school’s ever seen!
The
kids pause for a moment, as if waiting for something.
STEVE
Wow,
no gay joke this time, cool.
Toshi
(Why
wait for class to mix them together?)
Barry
and snot
Yea!
Snot
pushes Steve while Toshi and Barry grab the beakers and smash both
over Steve’s head. A ball of fire appears on Steve’s head and he runs
around frantically, trying to put it out.
STEVE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!
Steve’s
friends laugh as others in the hallway join in. Even the teachers
find the situation amusing.
Steve
tries to put out the fire at the water fountain, but it doesn’t work.
He tries hitting himself over the head with some books, but that
fails also.
Quickly,
we cut to the bathroom and someone leaves a stall without flushing
and leaves the bathroom. Suddenly, Steve runs in and goes into the
same stall and dunks his head in the toilet. He leaves the bathroom
and everyone is still laughing, while yellow water drips from his
head. Steve freaks out again and runs out of the school.
ext
– Smith house – later that day
Stan
is searching through his bedroom, looking for clues to prove that
Francine is a terrorist.
STAN
Evidence.
Evidence. Where would she hide stuff she didn’t want me to see?
Stan
searches their bathroom, but can’t find any good proof. He goes
through the soaps and shampoos item by item and searches the medicine
cabinet as well.
STAN
No.
No. No.
Then,
Stan returns to the bedroom and comes across a few of his wife’s
purses near the closet.
STAN
Well,
the prices they charge for stuff like this IS a crime against
humanity (beat) but that’s not good enough proof! I have to find
something else!
Stan
walks across the room and goes through the dresser. He finds some
lingerie and stops for a moment.
STAN
Hmmmm.
(beat) Yes. (beat) yes, this may be proof, yea. Oh yea. I’d better
hold onto it for now and, uh, run some tests back at the lab.
Stan
stuffs the lingerie into a bag. He then looks to see if anyone is
around. He then reaches into another drawer and grabs his own porn
magazine and puts it in the bag as well.
STAN
This
too.
Stan
walks out into the hallway and realizes something.
STAN
Hmmmm.
Perhaps she knew I would find out someday and she has hidden the
terrorist stuff in the kids’ bedrooms. Even worse, maybe she’s
trained the kids to follow in her diabolical footsteps!
Stan
arrives at Steve’s room next and carefully sneaks in, looking around
to make sure no one is there. He enters and begins his search.
He
goes through the dresser and find nothing but Harry Potter books, D&D
costumes and other nerd stuff.
STAN
Damn.
None of this is good proof of terrorist activity. Just proof of my
failure as a father.
STEVE
You
go that right.
Stan
turns around to find Steve laying on his bed, reading a comic book.
He has some bandages on his head due to the events at school. Stan is
surprised.
STAN
AAAAAGH!
How the hell did you get here? And where’s my son?!
STEVE
Relax,
dad. It’s me. The kids at school burned my hair off.
STAN
What?
Why did you let them do that?
STEVE
I
didn’t let them! Turns out my friends really aren’t as cool as they
used to be.
STAN
Don’t
worry, Steve, they were never cool to begin with. By the way, has
your mother ever asked you to hide anything from me?
STEVE
No,
why?
STAN
No
weapons?
STEVE
No.
STAN
No
chemicals?
STEVE
No.
STAN
No
documents?
STEVE
No.
STAN
No
dildoes?
STEVE
What?
STAN
What?
STEVE
Why
do you think mom is hiding something?
STAN
Oh,
no reason.
STEVE
And
what was that last thing you asked?
STAN
Uh,
nothing! Forget it. Bye!
Stan
leaves Steve’s room in a rush of discomfort over the situation, but
quickly regains his composure. He heads down the hallway to search
Hayley’s room.
STAN
Well
Hayley will surely have proof of terrorism in her things. Francine
did a splendid job trainer her to believe in herself. Perhaps Steve
was able to resist the brainwashing techniques. But of course that
would mean that Steve is smart. And Steve being smart (beat)
AAAAAGHH! No! Brain…can’t… handle… that idea!
Need….to…relax!
Stan
pulls out the porn mag from earlier and calms down.
STAN
Ahhhhhhhh.
Stan
folds up the magazine and continues down the hallway to Hayley’s
room. And continues. And continues.
STAN
Damn
this is a cartoonishly long hallway! Ah finally, Hayley’s room!
Stan
enters Hayley’s room and begins to look around. He arrives at the bed
and pulls the covers off.
STAN
AHA!
Red sheets! The color of Communism! Although it’s also the color of
Republicanism. So that means that Communists and Republicans
are one in the sa… AAAAAAAAGH! Need…to…relax…again!
Stan
pulls the porn mag out again and is able to calm down.
STAN
AAAAAAAAAAH!
Much better.
int
kitchen – dinner
The
family is in the kitchen for dinner and Stan is trying desperately
not to call attention to his search. Stan begins frantically
searching through every cabinet and drawer in the kitchen.
FRANCINE
Stan,
what are you looking for?
STAN
Huh?!
What? Oh, me, um… nothing.
FRANCINE
Well
it sure looks like your searching for something important.
STAN
I’m
not looking for evidence!
FRANCINE
Evidence?
Of What?
STAN
Stop
accusing me, woman!
FRANCINE
Calm
down, I’m not accusing you of anything.
STAN
Oh
(beat) right. Uh (beat) let’s act like none of this just happened.
FRANCINE
(uneasy)
Uh,
ok.
Stan
sits down at the table while Francine serves dinner to him and the
kids.
STAN
Francine,
you make the world’s best Hussein..er Lo Mein! The world’s best Lo
Mein!
FRANCINE
Um
(beat) Thanks?
Stan
looks around nervously, while his family stares at him in confusion.
STAN
Yea,
great food. Bet you didn’t even have to add any WMD to it.. er.. MSG!
Msg. Yea.
FRANCINE
Um
(beat) no, no I didn’t. Stan do you feel ok?
STAN
Who?
Me? Of course! Never better!
The
family is clearly confused, but they ignore Stan’s odd behavior once
more. They all return to eating for a moment before Stan fully blows
his cover.
STAN
Honey,
can you pass the evil plans to attack on American soil, I mean salt!?
francine
What?
Stan, what the hell is going on with you? Evil plans? What are you
talking about?!
STAN
Oh
like you don’t know Mrs. Smith! Or should I say MRS. BIN LADEN!?
(gasp) Mrs. Bin Laden? You’re having an affair, too! And with him?!
How could you?!?
FRANCINE
Stan,
you sound insane! What are you talking about? Do you think I’m a
terrorist or something?
STAN
I
KNOW you are a terrorist! Your name is on the terror watch list at
work! And now you’re coming with me to headquarters.
Stan
grabs Francine and tries to pull her out of the kitchen, but she
pulls away.
FRANCINE
Stan,
it’s obviously a mistake! And besides, you can’t arrest me without
any proof.
Stan
lets her go, realizing she is right.
STAN
You
may be right. But when I find your plans, I’m taking you in!
Stan
storms away. As he leaves the kitchen, Stan notices a cake on the
counter.
STAN
Ooooh!
Yellow cake for desert! Er..uh… I mean…Yea. Yea, yellow cake.
Yea.
Stan
takes some cake and walks out of the kitchen.
int
school cafeteria – lunchtime
All
the kids are at lunch and we find Steve looking for a seat. His
former friends arrive and greet him. Toshi is wearing a Hello Kitty
hat.
SNOT
Hey
Steve.
STEVE
Hello
gentleman. Lady.
TOSHI
(Hello
Kitty’s fan base knows no gender!)
SNOT
Look,
we’re real sorry about what happened yesterday.
BARRY
We
want to make it up to you!
SNOT
Can
we buy you lunch?
STEVE
You
know, my instincts tell me that this is another genius plot to
embarrass me in front of the entire school. However, because I’m so
trusting and completely incapable of making new friends, I think I’ll
go with it. Get me a cheeseburger and fries.
SNOT
You
got it.
Snot,
Bary and Toshi walk off to get Steve’s food. Steve looks confident
that he has won against his friends.
STEVE
(talking
to himself)
Heh,
fool me once, shame on (beat) uh, fool me once (beat) fool can’t get
fooled again! Yes, that’s it.
They
arrives back at the table with Steve’s food.
SNOT
Here
you go! No hard feelings?
STEVE
Certainly
not!
Steve
takes a big bite out of the burger and looks like he enjoys it.
Suddenly, his face turns red and he starts sweating. Clearly it is
too spicy for him he starts spitting parts of the burger out onto his
tray.
STEVE
AAAAGH!
You bastards!
Snot,
Barry and Toshi begin to laugh. Suddenly, Steve burps a fireball
right at them, but Barry lifts his tray in tine to reflect it and the
fireball bounces back to Steve, igniting his hat. The entire
lunchroom laughs at Steve as he runs around, again, trying to put the
fire out. Finally, the fire goes out after Steve sprays himself in
the face with a fire extinguisher.
After
the scene, some unfamiliar kids walk up and talk to Snot, Barry and
Toshi.
Cool
kid #1
Awesome
job, dudes!
Cool
kid #2
Yea,
you’re totally in now! Congrats!
SNOT
BARRY AND TOSHI
Awesome!
All
five kids leave the lunchroom and Steve gets up. He heard the whole
conversation and is in shock.
STEVE
So
THAT’S why they’re treating me like this. Well, no more! I need to
get back at them. But how?
ext
smith house – later that day
Steve
finds Roger and asks his for help.
roger
No
you cannot borrow my anal probe!
STEVE
Come
on! I really gotta get revenge on these guys!
ROGER
No
way! Only a trained professional is allowed to use it and besides, we
can’t use it on minors, it’s against our code.
STEVE
Well
ya gotta help me out here. How else can I get my revenge?
ROGER
Well,
we can always try a montage of different evil schemes.
STEVE
That
sounds good.
We
now enter a montage of different ideas that Roger and Steve try out
for exacting revenge on Steve’s friends.
We
see 3 manikins, dressed like Snot, Toshi and Barry, sitting at a mock
science lab table with an open flame in front of them. Roger walks up
from behind and hits them in the head with a bottle of beer and all
three fall into the flame, catching on fire and falling to the
ground. Steve looks on, but is unimpressed.
Next,
we see a doorway with 3 huge rocks, unreasonably balanced on the
slightly opened door, when Roger shoves the manikins through. They
are crushed instantly. Steve looks on but again is unimpressed.
Finally,
we see a setup similar to the game mousetrap. A ball is pushed down a
slide, falling into a bucket. From there, the bucket flips over and
the ball travels down another slide. It bounces back and forth
between a few more obstacles until it hits a lever, causing a trap to
come down and catch the mouse.
STEVE
Perfect!
ROGER
Yaaaay!
That was cool! Ok, now back to your problem.
STEVE
Wait.
What? I thought that was one of our tests? That would work perfectly!
ROGER
Ha!
It’s just a game, Steve. Doing that in real life would be completely
retarded.
ext
smith house – daytime
The
whole family is home and Stan is alone in the living room, trying to
figure out how to deal with his family.
STAN
I
can’t believe she’s a terrorist! Who knows how much evil she has
instilled into this family. She has to be stopped. The whole family
needs to be stopped! I need a detailed, intricate plan. A set of
ingenious traps to capture them and make them confess to their
terroristic schemes.
int
hayely’s room – moments later
Hayley
enters her room and notices that there is a message on her computer
screen. She sees it’s an IM from a friend, claiming that there is a
Phish concert happening right now in downtown Langley.
Hayley
Phish
is reuniting!? And playing downtown?!? Oh my God!
Hayley
runs out of her bedroom and down the stairs. However, the second she
steps outside, Stan is there and hits her over the head with a frying
pan.
STAN
(sounding
ridiculous)
HAHAHAHA!
She thought that message was from her friend! But it was from me!
HAHAHAHA!
int
Steve’s room – moments later
Next
up is Steve. He is in his bedroom, reading a comic book.
Stan
enters with a gift.
STAN
You
know, Steve, I feel bad about accusing you and the whole family of
being terrorists, so I wanted to make it up to you. Here’s a gift.
Stan
hands the gift to Steve. He opens it and discovers that it is an
action figure.
STEVE
(gasp)
It’s a special limited edition ultra-rare one of a kind 3D Darth
Vader Action Figure! Oh my God!
STAN
Isn’t
it great! It even has this feature that lets you gas your friends and
knock them unconscious! Look!
STEVE
Huh?
Stan
hits a button on the doll. A small cloud of smoke shoots out of the
mask right at Steve. Steve coughs a bit and passes out. Stan drags
him off.
int
kitchen – a few minutes later
Roger
walks by and notices a bottle on the counter. He comes back to see
what it is.
ROGER
Oh
my God! A bottle of imported Columbian 85 proof Rum! My favorite!
It’s been over an hour since I finished my last bottle!
Roger
grabs the bottle and walks off, but then stops to think for a moment.
ROGER
Hmmm,
maybe I shouldn’t drink so much right now. I mean, I did just finish
my whiskey before coming down here. I don’t want to get sick and pass
out.
(to
the bottle)
We
can have you later.
Roger
puts the bottle back on the counter and Stan appears behind him.
Roger gets knocked out with a bat and dragged off by Stan.
int
living room – moments later
Now
it’s time for Francine. Stan calls to her from the bottom of the
steps.
STAN
Oh
Francine. There’s a good housekeeping seminar just down the road! The
first 100 visitors get a free box of doilies!
FRANCINE
(upstairs)
DOILIES!
Francine
comes running down the stairs. Stan just stands at the door, frying
pan in hand, holding it right in front of the open doorway to the
front porch. Francine runs down yelling happily and runs right into
the frying pan, knocking herself out.
STAN
God
I love this pan!
Stan
enters the house and walks though the living room. Suddenly, he hears
a voice.
voice
I
know it was you, Stan!
STAN
Who
said that? Who’s there? How did you get in here?!
VOICE
I
saw you knock all of them out, Stan! You won’t get away with this!
STAN
Show
yourself, man!
VOICE
Down
here! God, don’t you recognize the voice of your own pet fish?
STAN
Oh,
Klaus, it’s you. Where have you been all day?
Klaus
I’ve
been here, idiot! And I saw everything! You’re going down!
STAN
Oh
yea? How are you gonna stop me?
KLAUS
Oh,
you don’t want to know. But I’ll tell you anyway. First, I’ll lock
you in the closet for a few days with no food or water. Then I’ll
bring you out for some Chinese water torture! And after that, if
you’re still alive, I’ll take an ice pick and…
Stan
picks up Klaus and his bowl and walks off. Klause is defeated.
KLAUS
…
Oh crap, that’s right, you can just carry me away. Forgot about that.
(sigh) Oh well, at least I’m involved in your life again, Stan.
int
small dim room – later that day
Stan’s
family awakens in a small room with few lights. They have no idea
where they are and are scared. Then, Stan enters.
FRANCINE
Stan?
What the hell is going on here?!?
STAN
As
head of this family, it is my responsibility to protect you from
terrorists who want to ruin our lives!
FRANCINE
And
you think WE are terrorists!
STAN
Precisely!
And I must kill you all in order to protect my family!
HAYLEY
But
we ARE your family!
STAN
Precisely!
And that is why I must protect you from these terrorists!
STEVE
But
We’re the terrorists!
STAN
PRECISELY!
And now I must kill my family so that my family is safe… from my
family… of terrorists! (beat) Yea. Yea, that’s it. Right? Yea. Yea!
FRANCINE
Stan,
don’t you see your terrible logic here?
STAN
Absolutely
not! I’ve learned to repress logic through years of training. Now
prepare to die!
Stan’s
family cringes in fear. Stan looks angrily at them as he points a gun
in their direction. Then, he realizes something.
STAN
Oh,
I’m sorry, did I say die? Heh, how stupid of me. This is the
Nerdinator 5000. It just turns you all into huge losers. That way
your fellow terrorists won’t want to work with you anymore. O right,
I also need my energy source for the Nerdinator.
Stan
opens a door and out come Steve’s friends. They are confused and
lost.
STEVE
You
guys?!?!
SNOT
How
did we get here?
STAN
Illegally,
that’s how. Now hold still.
Stan
connects some wires to the kids and hooks up the gun.
SNOT
Hey,
we’re not nerds anymore!
BARRY
Yea!
We’re super cool and fly and
other random meaningless words now.
STAN
Nonsense!
Once a nerd, always a nerd. Infact, Steve, I can probably let you go.
STEVE
Sweet!
Stan
unties Steve and lets him go. The family is in chock.
FRANCINE
Steve!
Save us!
STEVE
Huh?
Oh, right.
Steve
goes for the gun and Stan fights back.
STAN
Hey,
what the hell? Take it easy! I just let you go, man!
STEVE
No!
I need to change my friends back! And the only source of nerdom in
the room is me!
Steve
grabs the gun and connects the cord to his head.
STEVE
Time
to ionize some semiconductors! (Beat) Or something nerdy like that.
Ya!
Steve
shoots the gun at his friends and they all go back to normal.
SNOT
What,
what happened? I feel like (beat) like watching all 84 original
episode of Star Trek back to back!
TOSHI
(You
dumbass! There were only 83 original episodes! The two-parter from
season 3 is only one episode!)
BARRY
Like
hell it is!
All
three keep fighting while Steve looks on, relieved.
STEVE
Good
to have you back, guys.
Suddenly,
Mr. Bullock arrives with shocking news.
MR
BULLOCK
Stan
Smith, put that gun down this instant!
STAN
Sir,
what are you doing here?! How did you know I would be here?
MR
BULLOCK
I
figured you would take it upon yourself to take down Francine. And
the way you think, you would probably assume your whole family has
been effected by her as well.
STAN
Damn,
you know me good.
MR
BULLOCK
But
I’m here with proof that your wife isn’t a terrorist!
STAN
What?
MR
BULLOCK
We
just reviewed her file at the office and found this.
Mr
Bullock hands a paper to Stan. It’s a picture of Francine backstage
at a ZZ Top concert.
MR
BULLOCK
Turns
out she was on the list because of her involvement with ZZ Top back
in the 80s.
STAN
(matter
of fact-ly)
Ah,
I get it now. Those huge beard! They closely resemble your
stereotypical terrorist beard!
MR
BULLOCK
Exactly!
Because, as we know, all people with long beards are evil!
STAN
Of
course!
Stan
goes over to his family and unties them from their chairs.
STAN
I’m
sorry, everybody. I got carried away.
FRANCINE
That’s
ok, Stan. You just wanted what’s bets for your family and your
country.
HAYLEY
Mom,
are you kidding? He just tied us up and threated to shoot us with
some kind of laser gun!
FRANCINE
(to
Mr Bullock)
Are
you sure Hayley wasn’t on the terror watch list?
MR
BULLOCK
Nope,
all of you check out just fine.
STAN
Well
I’m glad this is over with.
FRANCINE
One
more thing Stan. If you thought we were terrorists, why didn’t you
just brainwash us out of it?
Stan
thinks for a minute and quietly realizes how much simpler that would
have made this whole situation.
STAN
Oh,
right. Yea. About that. Um. The brainwashing ray is in the shop right
now. Yea, would have done that right away! Of course! Hahaha.
Yes. That’s right.
The
family looks at Stan, concerned, knowing that he had no thought of
brainwashing after all.
STAN
Ahhhhhh,
family memories.
THE
END